I’m currently on the train to London for my last day at work, not just the last day of the year but my LAST DAY.
After 6 years working as a contractor in the same company, their budget has run out and the work I’ve been doing is being offshored.
I first heard this was happening on the 30th of November, exactly one month notice was given. Since then I have been feeling so many different emotions that I decided it might help to write some down.
One might question why the end of a contract would bring an emotional response but that’s just how I am. While the company were never committed to me, never giving me more than a 6 months contact at a time, I have been very committed to them…perhaps too much so.
The past 6 years have also meant a lot of change for me, I’ve grown as a professional, I’ve grown as a person. Since starting work with this company I have moved country twice, met and married the love of my life, bought a home outside the city, adopted a dog and gone through many many ups and downs in life. When I reflect on where I was 6 years ago and where I am now it’s similar to the sort of reflection one might have when finishing High School or University. A lot has changed, a lot has been learnt and a lot of opportunities have been taken. So in that sense it’s no wonder I have so many emotions, the end of an important stage in life always brings an array of feelings to the surface.
Firstly I feel fear.
I have, on occasion, almost crippling self doubt and I can feel it in the back of my mind creating a lot of fear. What if I’m actually no good at my job and they didn’t realise it. Every other employer out there will realise it and never give me a job. I’ll never get my career on track and my husband will feel the burden of supporting us both, which he didn’t sign on for. He’ll get fed up with me not “pulling my weight” financially, he’ll realise I’m not at all smart or hard working and he’ll leave me. Then I’ll have to resort to moving home to my parents who will be endlessly disappointed given the investment they put into my education (and my wedding) and they’ll resent me which will put me on the outs with my family and I’ll probably die being that weird aunt to my nephew who never amounted to much.
Does that sound overly dramatic? A bit ridiculous? Good, then I explained it well. These are actual feelings and thoughts that I have. Even though I know, in another part of my mind, my husband really couldn’t give two toots about whether I bring money in or not. Even though I know he would never leave me over something like money. Even though I know my family always have my back, through thick and thin. Even though my current employer has told me many times how grateful he is for all the “great” work I’ve done and how much I’ll be missed – that one I struggle with the most. I can’t even write “great” with out demonstrating that it’s a quote, he said it, not me. Damn lack of self confidence.
So I’m dealing with the fear. It’s quite large and takes up quite a bit of space in my head.
I’m also feeling sad.
It’s the end of an era, as they say. I’ve been working with the same group of guys (yes I was the only woman in the team) for 6 years. We have averaged one team night out per year over those 6 years but I still feel close to them. There have been engagements, babies, weddings and special birthdays passed. There have been illnesses, floods, fires and loss. Even spending minimal time together outside of the office, we’ve come to care for each other and have been through a lot. But given that lack of time spent outside the office, it’s possible I’ll never see them again. We’ll keep intouch online I’m sure but I won’t be there when the next thing happens. It’s always hard to say goodbye.
Then there is the excitement.
What if, my next job is even better? What if I take a permanent role rather than a contractor position and have for the first time in my professional life some stability. What if the next job offers progression and I work my way up to a position which will make my parents and husband proud. What if this next step, is the step that has people in my small home town talking, “did you hear what she’s doing now?”, “hasn’t she done well?”.
For now I just keep reminding myself, everything happens for a reason and that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. So if this is His plan for me, I will handle it and try to trust that this next step is exactly what I need even if I didn’t know I did.