A letter to my soulmate — November 30, 2018

A letter to my soulmate

It’s so rare that we meet someone at 11 years old and love them for the rest of our lives, but that’s exactly what I got when I met you.

I still remember the first day you invited my to spend morning break with you, we were first years in high school and you spent time with much “cooler” people than I did. I was so shy, I found them intimidating but not you, you breezed right in with them but left them wanting more as you breezed right back out again. When you told me we should hang out and that you didn’t want to spend the break with them, I felt so flattered and terrified…was I being set up for a joke? It wasn’t of course, that’s not your style.

The first year of our friendship I think I felt I didn’t deserve you, that I was “friending up” but that was down to my insecurities, you never made me feel that way. And here we all, far too many years later, still friends and you still effortlessly breeze in and out of others lives…but you never breeze out of mine.

I’m your constant and you are mine, before I met my husband you were the only person outside of family that I knew I’d love forever, in many ways it was our friendship that let me open up enough to believe I could be that open to a romantic relationship, that I could be worthy of one, you’ve done so much for me and you don’t even know it because it all comes so easy to you. I love that!

I’ll never be brave enough to ask you what made you talk to me that day, why you ditched others to spend time with me, what it was you saw in me (if anything) or if it was a fluke (these days, it really doesn’t matter) but I’m so glad you did. You’ve been my dearest friend ever since for nearly 21 years.

And that brings me to today, you’re moving abroad with your husband to set up a new business. I’m so proud of you, so excited for you and so happy for you and your husband as you embark on this next phase of life. We’ve said our goodbyes so many times over the years as we’ve each sought adventures (I eventually got over being shy) but we’ve always kept space for each other in our lives and I know this time will be no different. There will be long periods where we don’t see each other but you are always in my heart.

So my friend, my partner-in-crime, my confidant, my soulmate, my sister, I may not see you soon but I will love you always xxxx

Advertisements
So I’m going to be a… —

So I’m going to be a…

A lot has happened since my last post at the end of 2016. I did indeed find another role and I did go on to continue working in that same industry. However around July 2017 I came to realise that the industry I was working in lacked something that I needed for my own health. It lacked heart, I realised to be fulfilled I needed more than I career that paid the bills, I needed a career that fed my soul.

I’ve often thought about a career in health care where I could work hard and do good but prior to this turning point in my life I wouldn’t let myself consider it as “the pay was bad”. But this time, with this realisation, I had to seriously look at my options. After a lot of research I decided I could make a career in health care work for me, my family and the future we envisioned having.

I set my sights on studying an MSc in Paediatric Nursing and got my applications in. Meanwhile we moved to be closer to my parents in Scotland (for other reasons I may address in a future blog) and I started working in a hospital to get some much needed experience. My husband, was as understanding, supportive and encouraging as always (what did i do to deserve him), even though for him it meant becoming a “WILLIE” (work in London, live in Edinburgh 😂).

After 6 months working as a Clinical Support Worker, I cried as I got my acceptance to one of the best Nursing Schools in the country. I couldn’t believe my luck, the chance of acceptance was 1 in 11 this year, I’ve never felt so proud and grateful. It would mean a nightmare of a commute, spending 3hrs a day driving if traffic was on my side but it felt like the right move.

I’m doing all of this by gut instinct and just hoping it pays off but I think it will. I’ve got my eyes open and I know there are going to be a lot of ups and downs in the coming three years while I complete my MSc and then further more as I join the NHS as a Staff Nurse but I also know I’ve never felt so fulfilled by what I am doing. I have never felt my own impact on a person so keenly, the opportunity to ease someone’s pain, brighten their day and lighten their load. I feel so honoured to be doing this and if my first placement is anything to go by, I’ve found my place in this crazy world.

Bye for now x

Unemployment in 2017 — December 30, 2016

Unemployment in 2017

I’m currently on the train to London for my last day at work, not just the last day of the year but my LAST DAY.

After 6 years working as a contractor in the same company, their budget has run out and the work I’ve been doing is being offshored.

I first heard this was happening on the 30th of November, exactly one month notice was given. Since then I have been feeling so many different emotions that I decided it might help to write some down.

One might question why the end of a contract would bring an emotional response but that’s just how I am. While the company were never committed to me, never giving me more than a 6 months contact at a time, I have been very committed to them…perhaps too much so.

The past 6 years have also meant a lot of change for me, I’ve grown as a professional, I’ve grown as a person. Since starting work with this company I have moved country twice, met and married the love of my life, bought a home outside the city, adopted a dog and gone through many many ups and downs in life. When I reflect on where I was 6 years ago and where I am now it’s similar to the sort of reflection one might have when finishing High School or University. A lot has changed, a lot has been learnt and a lot of opportunities have been taken. So in that sense it’s no wonder I have so many emotions, the end of an important stage in life always brings an array of feelings to the surface.
Firstly I feel fear.

I have, on occasion, almost crippling self doubt and I can feel it in the back of my mind creating a lot of fear. What if I’m actually no good at my job and they didn’t realise it.  Every other employer out there will realise it and never give me a job. I’ll never get my career on track and my husband will feel the burden of supporting us both, which he didn’t sign on for. He’ll get fed up with me not “pulling my weight” financially, he’ll realise I’m not at all smart or hard working and he’ll leave me. Then I’ll have to resort to moving home to my parents who will be endlessly disappointed given the investment they put into my education (and my wedding) and they’ll resent me which will put me on the outs with my family and I’ll probably die being that weird aunt to my nephew who never amounted to much.
Does that sound overly dramatic? A bit ridiculous? Good, then I explained it well. These are actual feelings and thoughts that I have. Even though I know, in another part of my mind, my husband really couldn’t give two toots about whether I bring money in or not. Even though I know he would never leave me over something like money. Even though I know my family always have my back, through thick and thin. Even though my current employer has told me many times how grateful he is for all the “great” work I’ve done and how much I’ll be missed – that one I struggle with the most. I can’t even write “great” with out demonstrating that it’s a quote, he said it, not me. Damn lack of self confidence.

So I’m dealing with the fear. It’s quite large and takes up quite a bit of space in my head.
I’m also feeling sad.

It’s the end of an era, as they say. I’ve been working with the same group of guys (yes I was the only woman in the team) for 6 years. We have averaged one team night out per year over those 6 years but I still feel close to them. There have been engagements, babies, weddings and special birthdays passed. There have been illnesses, floods, fires and loss. Even spending minimal time together outside of the office, we’ve come to care for each other and have been through a lot. But given that lack of time spent outside the office, it’s possible I’ll never see them again. We’ll keep intouch online I’m sure but I won’t be there when the next thing happens. It’s always hard to say goodbye.

Then there is the excitement.

What if, my next job is even better? What if I take a permanent role rather than a contractor position and have for the first time in my professional life some stability. What if the next job offers progression and I work my way up to a position which will make my parents and husband proud. What if this next step, is the step that has people in my small home town talking, “did you hear what she’s doing now?”, “hasn’t she done well?”.

For now I just keep reminding myself, everything happens for a reason and that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. So if this is His plan for me, I will handle it and try to trust that this next step is exactly what I need even if I didn’t know I did.

Bye for now x

Ready for take off — May 12, 2016

Ready for take off

There is little I enjoy more than organising and planning. 

This week I am preparing for a trip to the US with my husband. We don’t leave for another week so some (my husband) may think I’m getting ready prematurely but I often enjoy this part of the process almost as much as our trips themselves. I don’t understand those that say they “hate packing”, what is there to hate? 

Packing means, planning for your trip or planning to take a break from planning. It means giving yourself a pat on the back for creating a little capsule wardrobe to get you through a fortnight without taking everything you own, it means challenging yourself to look at you wardrobe or bathroom and assess what are the key items. It could even mean the chance to do a clear out when you realise you no longer like / use half of what is facing you. It may also mean pretending to be a giant as you play with miniature shampoos and conditioners (oh is that just me?).?

I tend to only travel with a carry-on on my outbound flight and I get huge satisfaction from getting all my necessary belongings into one little roll along. I get even more satisfaction returning home with a hold suitcase full of lovely holiday memories and gifts (and for this particular trip I have a list). 

My method may seem strange to some, to restrict myself in what I take but I learnt early on that when I travelled with a full suitcase I’d rarely reach the bottom of it while I was away and would usually wind up shelling out for excess weight or an extra bag on the way home, why bother with that? 

I’ve had fun getting prepared, suddenly even doing the laundry has a bright and shiny appeal to it (how often can you say that) as I’m no longer simply washing dirty clothes, I’m getting our holiday clothes ready!

I love getting things ready and making everything fit perfectly in its place. I have our medications and additional “just in case” first aid / medicine all ready in a clear plastic case making it easy to see where the item you are looking for is. 

I have my giants toys (mini shampoos and decanted face products) in a waterproof bag so there are no nasty surprises on the other side. I also create a little bag of “on the plane beauty”, a sheet face mask, an cooling eye mask, cleanser, toner, serum and moisturiser – I want to walk off the plan looking well rested even if I’m not. Also using those hours to spend a little time on myself feels like a great treat as how often do we get long consecutive hours to treat our skin.  

This trip I’ll also be using packing cubes for the first time, I’m looking forward to seeing how I like them. I bought some very thin and water / odor proof ones so that should our bathing suits not be dry for travel we won’t need to worry and hopefully they won’t add much weight or take up too much space. I’m preparing to be amazed. 

So having done a little prep regularly and continuing to do so, by this time next wheel all I’ll need to do is take a relaxing bath to celebrate the end of work for two weeks and get a good nights rest – now doesn’t that sound good. 

Can’t wait x 

Sandwich — March 15, 2016

Sandwich

This weekend we took my in laws (outlaws?) away for a night. Since moving further away from them (about an hours drive) we’ve been meaning to take the time to explore some of our new surroundings with them so they don’t feel excluded from our new environment. So we picked somewhere about an hour from our house and booked a beautiful 5* B&B to be our base for the weekends exploring. In case anyone is interested in checking out a fabulous B&B the website is http://www.mollandhouse.co.uk/. What a beautiful place it was, the service was above and beyond, we were allowed to take our daft dog with us and upon arrival they treated us to cream tea – what a welcome! We will be returning there for sure.

thumb_IMG_0699_1024 Continue reading

Just a smidge — March 11, 2016

Just a smidge

I was often told “you don’t need make-up,” so growing up I never got into it. Sure I’d dabble in it for a night out, a swipe of lip gloss and some mascara being about as much as I could handle, but the idea of getting up any earlier before school, or later work, to put make-up on just didn’t appeal. Along with being brought up to shun makeup, I’d been told by my Grandmother (just one of the many women in my life with beautiful skin that was never hidden under makeup) that all I’d ever need to put on my skin was moisturiser and I believed her, that had been the extent of my skin care routine until now and I honestly feel that it has served me well. Continue reading

The “Mom-Off” — March 1, 2016

The “Mom-Off”

In the words of Chandler Bing, “Ooh! My! God!”.

With Mother’s day coming up this weekend, there is one thing on my mind and it’s not what flowers to purchase.

Does anyone else have difficulty with their Mother vs. Mother-in-law? I can almost hear you all shouting “Yes” or at least I am hoping you are because I don’t want to be the only one.

Continue reading

I’ve decided to blog —